Armour of God
Directed by Jackie Chan
Starring Jackie Chan
In this film superstar Jackie Chan
Plays a thieving adventuring type
Who travels the world for treasure to steal,
Like Indiana Jones, all right.
The movie begins with Jackie encountering
An obscure and primitive tribe.
He then proceeds to rob them blind
And tries to leave before he dies.
He climbs and he fights and he does a few flips
And quickly eludes his pursuers.
In reality one of his stunts went wrong
And he gained a fresh injury, newer.
He was atop a stone ruins wall
And leapt off it into a tree.
The branch broke and he fell to the ground on his head.
It was a serious emergency.
He was safely moved out, and was seen by
The best brain surgeon in the nation.
He fixed Jackie up with a plastic plug
Which kept his brain in formation.
Soon the film slows down to a halt,
Before it could really get started.
Jackie sits still and talks and he acts
But the momentum of the film has been shorted.
Past the halfway mark it almost does seem
That the movie will never recover.
Jackie takes it easy and lies back and rests,
But the truth is that he’s a self-starter.
It starts to pick up three quarters through,
As you’re nearly bored out of your mind,
And before you know it you’re enthralled in the story,
Now an adventure of the best kind.
Jackie Chan and his friends go up against monks
Who live in a dark, secret cave.
They chase him and try to kill all of his friends,
But he escapes, often by a close shave.
He jumps and he turns. He climbs and he falls,
And he punches and kicks and throws food,
Till the monks unleash four evil black women,
Well trained and who know how to move.
Now Jackie’s in trouble as he tries to avoid
His four fast female attackers.
With his superior mind he outsmarts them all.
And smashes into them like the Packers.
Now he uses dynamite and jumps off a cliff
And soars right onto the top
Of a waiting hot air balloon, conveniently flown
By his friends, who hear him go “plop.”
It’s hard to recommend this film,
Even to a Jackie Chan fan.
It’s uneven and the story doesn’t flow like it should.
It has probably been critically panned.
If not for the incredible battle royale
That takes place right at the end,
With suspense and excitement and comedic twists,
Acrobatics and fleeing and quick, clever tricks,
T‘would be a film that few would recommend.
It’s far from one of his better films,
But at least the star’s still alive.
He made an incredible sequel.
I give it two stars out of five.