Around The World In 80 Days (2004)

Around the World in 80 Days
(2004)

Rating: ******
1/6

Directed by Frank Coraci
Starring Jackie Chan, Steve Coogan

I love Jackie Chan.
In Hong Kong, he’s the man.
Some of his American films, though,
Are not worth a damn.

He directs and he writes,
Choreographs his own fights,
And does dangerous stuntwork
From the days to the nights.

He acts and he sings.
Entertainment he brings.
For this reason alone,
In Asia, he’s King.

His ambition would
Override his own good,
For he went out to conquer
The esteemed Hollywood.

To that end, he made noise,
And attracted fan boys,
But most of his new films
Were lacking in joys.

In fact, they all lacked
Every pro that got stacked
Alongside his best
Action films. That’s a fact.

A-Lister Chan found
As he went through his round,
That his name in the States
Wasn’t a familiar sound.

So the producers there
Would in turn pair
Him with thrid-rate comedians
Whom he would have to bear.

Less-known directors with
Passed-over scripts
Tried to direct a man
Better at all of this.

The results were preempt
Lackluster attempts.
Compared to his tens,
They were not even tenths.

The worst of these,
For sake of ease,
Are in their own
Categories.

Among the worst screenplays
Is 80 Days.
Slim relation to Jules
Verne’s 80 Days.

This comedy bites,
Has intelligence blights,
And its awfulness is on par
With Shanghai Knights.

I can spoil the plot,
Though I would much rather not.
The original story
Still provides food for thought.

The execution, however,
Plainly speaking, does sever
The momentum, which feels
Like it will not end, ever.

As from the panels of Segar,
And dressed worse than a beggar,
Is a cameo by the once godliike
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It’s a scene guaranteed
To make your eyes bleed,
And make you violently angry
Like Apollo Creed.

Is that the worst low
That this movie can show?
I would tell you, but I think that
You’d rather not know.

Don’t watch this, chum,
Despite where you’re from.
Out of a six
I’m giving it a one.

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