Directed by Mark L. Lester
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger
A chainsaw is a cutter’s tool,
A quite complex machine.
It’s chain has X sharp razor blades,
Four hundred cuts a second, Dave
And to use this powerful machine
You have to be smart, not a fool.
For starters you need safety glasses
And chainsaw pants to protect your assets.
You’ll also want good hearing protection
Or you won’t be hearing your own inflection,
Steel-toed boots, maybe red,
And a hard hat on your head.
Well, Colonel John Matrix needs none of those things.
When he’s in the forest it’s the saw he brings.
He fells the tree, limbs it, and picks it up
And carries it home to chop it all up.
He does all this without breaking a sweat
Or obtaining a bruise, so don’t you fret.
John is retired and living it up,
In his paradise dream home which is up
In the forested mountains, pretty and green,
With his young daughter Jenny, who is seen
To be happy and motherless and learning to fight,
Trained by her father, whose muscles are tight.
One day he’s visited by an old friend
Who sadly informs him his team is all dead.
His friend says, “Be careful” or he’ll end the same way
And lends him some soldiers to guard the place.
The minute he leaves the soldiers are slain.
The home is attacked. He’s at war again.
He grabs a few guns and drives with no brakes,
But that doesn’t stop them from making the mistake
Of kidnapping his daughter. They’ve all sealed their doom.
Now each one of their futures will end with a boom.
For when Matrix is driven, he will follow through
If it’s the very last thing he ever will do.
The bad guys get him merrily
And he growls at them ferally.
They give him a choice: either leave by plane
And kill or never see Jenny again.
His target is his friend, a Presidente,
From the small little country of Val Verde.
Colonel John Matrix forms a plan.
When he gets on a plane with a tall black man.
The man lives mere seconds and out Matrix jumps.
He has eleven hours to give the bad guys their lumps.
So he follows a short little fellow named Sully
Who’s puny, but still a mean little bully.
He enlists the help of a woman named Cindy,
Whom Sully thinks is rather pretty.
She tries to refuse but he rips out the seat
Of her car. Now it looks incomplete.
They follow Sully to a great big mall,
Where she betrays Matrix, muscles and all.
Just a few guards approach Matrix a fraction.
Then the whole mall is a melee of action.
While he’s not ripping out phone booths with his bare hands,
Or swinging from the ceiling like a trapeze man,
He’s throwing people left and right with his mighty blows,
Silencing the security guards when floor hits nose.
Sully fires some shots then runs like a scared rabbit.
Matrix tears right after him with force, as is his habit.
They crash both cars and Sully tries to flee.
But big Matrix catches him, predatorily,
Dangling him over a cliff to get answers,
Then setting him free to take his chances.
Next John Matrix picks a fight
With a large black man named Cooke, at night.
They hammer at each other’s cheeks
And break through walls with little speech
Till Cooke gets impaled through his chest,
Unable to tell him where Jenny rests.
Undeterred, Matrix and Cindy
Find a warehouse with answers a plenty.
They locate an island where Jenny must be,
And steal a fortune in weaponry.
Matrix wants more, but the cops overtake him
And try to cart him to the police station.
That’s when Cindy saves the day
By launching a rocket-propelled grenade
That tears into Matrix’s paddy wagon,
Nearly killing all of its inhabitants.
Now Matrix is free and they steal a plane
And fly to the island to deal out pain.
Rowing a dingy he makes fourteen trips
Till his arsenal’s safe on the beach. Then he strips.
His muscles are glistening as he puts on his gear,
Which include boots, a vest and pants to wear,
On top of which he straps on every weapon in his store,
Then he paints up his face, ready for war.
First he sneaks around some, setting up his traps,
Which include explosives stuck to shacks,
And walls of buildings, and a lookout tower.
These bombs produce a lot of power.
When he’s done setting up, and the enemy spots him.
Matrix aims his gun and drops him.
The next part of the movie is long and intense.
It’s filled with excitement and it’s filled with suspense.
The audience finds out, and they’re reaching for their Folgers.
That the island is brimming with enemy soldiers.
The alarm then goes off and every Mark and Davis
All try to murder Colonel John Matrix.
Too bad for them, the soldiers can’t shoot.
As full grown men, their incompetence ain’t cute.
They’re good at running towards him but pose no more threat
Than a baby in diapers to a turbo jet.
They’re mostly gunned down till Matrix tries new things
Like stabbing and impaling and cutting people’s brains.
Matrix started out with fifty-one guns
And five dozen magazines for each one.
When a gun was emptied out he threw it to the side.
It’s purpose fulfilled by the people who died.
The island, quite small, had a small population,
Decreased by nine hundred for his visit’s duration.
Just two bad guys left—-the merc and the boss.
Just a few bullets left and less guns to toss.
John is now shirtless and flaunting his tan
As he ends the life of the big boss man.
Now to find Jenny. So there’s no misunderstanding,
She’s in the only building that Matrix left standing.
He found her. Oh no! She’s in the merc’s clutches.
A man who prefers his old CO to a Dutchess.
His name is Bennett and he loves to kill with knives,
Which is why he hasn’t got any wives.
He smiles at Matrix and he smiles back.
It’s time to go on the attack.
Slash slash, punch punch, smack, throw fall,
Thud, thump, slap, grunt, sizzle, pop, roll.
Flames and sweat, shield and pipe,
Two big men in a showdown fight.
Who will prevail—-our unstoppable hero
Or this other guy, who’s as nuts as Nero?
Should I spoil the ending?
Does my review need defending?
Okay, I’ll leave you with these thoughts.
The impact’s not fleeting.
It’s a classic worth repeating.
Out of five starts I’ll give it an eight.
Yes, Commando really is that great.