Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

(2006)

Directed by Gore Verbinski
Starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nihgy

Rating: ******
              0/6

Captain Jack Sparrow bores us to tears.

I considered reviewing this movie before,
When making a list of films I don’t adore,
Because I was writing too many reviews
With high but well-earned scores.

So I began my critic feast,
And when I had finally ceased,
This film remained undone,
Perhaps because I had liked it the least.

Like a flower without any pollen,
A tearjerker without any bawlin’,
This empty film’s worse than
Revenge of the Fallen.

To cut a few corners,
The second Transformers
Had for its script
A pair of hand warmers.

Two people from the previous movie eke their way into this one.

They munched on some Panera
As they turned on the camera
And the plot spun in circles
As if atop Gamera.

Dead Man’s Chest
Put this idea to the test.
Why write a script
When you can improv the rest?

There’s little resemblance
Nay, little semblance,
To the original Pirates.
It’s hardly something from Amblin’s.

The Curse of the Black
Pearl
was back
In the day pretty decent.
It had fans, in fact.

“I say, are you laughing yet?”

Suave Johnny Depp
Was really quite hep
With unique line delivery
And plenty of pep.

The writing well done,
The script was quite fun.
Not needing a sequel,
It’s still got one.

Right off the bat
Dead Man’s Chest. falls flat,
Failing to engage in
The first five minutes I sat.

It gets worse from there
As the plot goes nowhere
And you wonder if anyone sat
In the director’s chair.

If you think the script smells fishy…

I’ll have you know
That the scenes didn’t flow.
They were so jarring and random,
The cast should have said no.

Two and a half
Hours passed,
And not a moment of screen time
Was made to last.

The scenes were all scattered.
The plot didn’t matter.
It was made for the wallets
Of the corp. to get fatter.

So I’ll end it right here.
Zero stars, I’ll be clear.
‘Twas a boring experience
I’ll never hold dear.

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