Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
Directed by Roger Spottiswoode
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Estelle Getty
Your sides will hardly split in half
In this comedy without a single laugh.
Sylvester Stallone plays a cop
With a mother who embarrasses him and doesn’t stop.
She’ll do things like walk in on him while he’s nude,
And wonder what’s wrong with his attitude.
His only defense is to loudly say, “Mom”,
Like a whiny kid with an upheld palm,
But Sylvester Stallone is a full-grown man
And hearing him whine is not easy to stand.
The mother, whose son is her entire world
Is played by Estelle Getty of The Golden Girls.
We know this isn’t another award-winning role
When we see her show off her son’s baby photos,
And show them to strangers on a sidewalk
As her son tries to engage a jumper in talk.
She talks to the jumper with a bullhorn
And succeeds in embarrassing her son all the more.
The jumper decides to leave Stallone there
And turns around and walks back down the stairs.
I guess there was potential in this scene
That, if done by the troupe at SCTV,
Could have well made the audience howl,
But it wasn’t, and the scene acts more like a towel,
Soaking up the talent of all those involved,
And leaving a dampness that won’t quite dissolve.
This is the highlight of the film, as we find out later,
And was even used in the movie trailer.
We’re left wondering how much more
Was left on the trailer’s cutting room floor.
This film is a mixture of gags and plot
That blend rather poorly, more often than not.
His mother puts his gun in the sink
And soaps it up, brushing it till it turns pink,
And hands it back to her man-child son,
Who whines that he can never reuse the gun.
This leads his mother to visit a store
Selling guns, but she’d have to wait two weeks or more,
So she purchases one from the back of a van,
And surprises her son, now her big little man.
He does some more whining, with a palm to the head,
And we wish we were watching Rambo instead.
As bad as it is, though, it could have been worse.
It doesn’t rate anywhere near Schwarzenegger’s worst.
It will hold your attention, but bring you no joy,
And it acts as a sort of action decoy
For anyone expecting some classic Stallone.
My rating of one means it can just stand on its own.