Batman Returns

Batman Returns


Directed by Tim Burton

Starring Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken

Rating: ******

The evil Penguin conspires.

This is an extremely memorable film,
And also a rather unpleasant film,
Though memorable because it’s unpleasant,
Or from making the audient feel pleasant,
I’m unsure after seeing the film.

After Batman made such large returns,
The studio greenlighted Batman Returns,
Giving Tim Burton full control,
And he took it to heart, don’t you know?
So he went and put to work what he’d learned.

Sicker, darker, and quite more twisted,
More surreal, like a sticky liquid,
We meet the Catwoman, but rest assured
That the Penguin, with his army of birds,
Are in roles that were really A-listed.

This much-anticipated flick
Begins with a brand-new penguin chick,
But this one is a baby boy,
A little human baby boy,
Adopted by sewer penguins as their chick.

Sewer penguins, you may ask?
Won’t they die from sewer gas?
What edible fish might they expect to find
While foraging through all that filthy brine?
Would a penguin colony down there really last?

The Catwoman snarls.

Does it matter? Not a hoot.
It’s just a speck off Batman’s boot,
Speaking of whom, unlike Batman Begins,
We see him actively killing men,
Slaying people dumb enough to shoot.

Gotham’s Mayor, Mr. Schreck,
Failing to give his clerk a peck,
Meanly decides to do her in,
To shove her from the building they’re in,
So she hits the sidewalk and becomes a wreck.

Hundreds of house cats suddenly come.
They chew on her face and they chew on her thumbs.
And as the mean Mayor leaves her to her fate,
Her body slowly begins to mutate,
Till you can’t speculate where she’s from.

The Mayor is in cahoots with the Penguin,
Who has become a bit of a criminal Kingpin.
Together they do some dirty deeds,
Some of which are just the seeds
To knock over Gotham like ten pins.

Each wants control of their despicable city,
Their corrupted, volatile, sick little city.
They want to rule with an iron fist,
Shake down the people by giving their arms a twist,
And the end result will hardly be pretty.

Batman speaks.

Things don’t go well for the Penguin
When he tries to do the Batman in.
He rigs his car
To be controlled from afar,
But he Batman does not give in.

What shall I rate this intriguing flick,
With a tale so dark and dreary and sick?
For entertainment, let me see:
I think it’s only worth a three,
But that three comes pretty quick.

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