(1982) Directed by John Milius Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Sandahl Bergman, MakoRating: ******
5/6
In the Hyborian Age, way back when, William Smith and his son Conan Are attacked by the evil Thulsa Doom, Who wipes at their village like a witch with her broom He enslaves the children and sells them for gain And Conan is put on the Wheel Of Pain, A grinding wheel that has to be pushed By two dozen children, or at least that much. Year-by-year, fewer children are needed, Until just Conan is all that’s needed. Now fully grown, he’s a mountain of muscle, And has perfectly developed every muscle. His owner selects him for warrior games. They give him a sword with which to train. When he bests all the other gladiators They free him, just to get him out of there. Conan meets an evil witch, who, Tries to kill him with her magic brew. He kills her, and when he is done, He spends more time speaking to Crom.
Crom was his village’s deity. He’s the thing Conan prays to, see? Crom was his constant companion Before he meets up with two companions. One is a woman, lethal and swift. One is an Asian man, who narrates this. They all become thieves to fill up their sacks, And load up their mounts, and don’t have to pay tax. Conan does enjoy these riches, But something unsettling gives him the twitches. He cannot forget what Thulsa Doom did. He wants to find out where he has hid. This epic tale is very well told. Arnold was born for this very role. The cinematography is a sight to be seen. The film looks magnificent up on the screen. James Earl Jones’ chilling portrayal Of Thulsa Doom would make John Matrix pale. The battle scenes are wonders, as well, And cast upon us a mighty spell. This gets a five. It’s worth every star, But doesn’t get a full six stars. It’s the best Conan movie that’s ever been made. I hope you will enjoy it one day.
