Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Starring Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone
Indiana Jones is back again.
We’ve not seen him since the 80s, when
He had found and retrieved the Holy Grail,
In an adventure reminiscent of Chip and Dale.
This time around, he’s a pretty old man,
Old as in sixty, but move he still can.
He still wears his whip and still wears his fedora,
And he still has a semblance of his old aura,
But it’s nowhere near the same. The magic’s all gone.
Way too much time had passed on.
The atmosphere is non-existent,
And the old Raiders feeling is evermore distant.
The look is modern, the sound is modern,
The editing and VFX are all modern,
And so is the dialogue, as well,
Though they might sneak in 50’s words like swell.
Why the 50s? Well, that’s when this movie takes place,
Smack dab in the middle of the Cold War race.
The Atomic bombs had already been used,
And the Axis empire had been diffused.
Indy is still teaching at his College,
And he still beats up people when the occasion is warranted.
He has had a son with Marion from Raiders,
Whom he hadn’t yet met while grading his papers.
The Russians are seeking and trying to find
Some ancient skulls of the crystal kind.
It appears that Indy is seeking them, too,
For what purpose we may discover soon.
These crystal skulls are all alien heads,
Real, as in Roswell, alien heads,
That are hidden on the other side of the world,
So Indy and company give it a whirl.
His son, Mutt Williams, rides a mean bike,
And his leather jacket reflects lots of light.
He teams up with Indy and his mom
To help send these Russians back to where they’re from.
Cate Blanchett plays the Russian lead,
With a good Russian accent at her stead,
But her character’s thinner than a paper baboon,
And her dialogue might have been stolen from a cartoon.
Shia LaBeouf gives it his all,
And gives a good performance overall,
But the script is trash and the dialogue worse,
So he might think of this film as his own personal curse.
Karen Allen is back one more time
As she was as Marion Ravenwood in her prime,
And though the sands have sifted, she still holds up her sign
But the script and direction are wasting her time.
As for the direction, you’d be surprised to find out
That Steven Spielberg returns for another bout.
As for why, well…do we ever find out?
It can’t just be the money, even though it’s a spout.
It’s not just the story to blame, as you’ll see,
For bad stories can sometimes make for stellar TV,
If directed with heart and vision,
But this time around, these things were missin’.
We get some very bad action scenes,
Each one a quite less probable scene,
Which if simplified, might have worked better,
But millions were wasted by these go-getters.
At no point are we pulled into the story,
And feel like we’re there living the story.
We’re not pulled along for a whirlwind ride.
It’s far too late. All the passion has died.
For entertainment, know this first:
The movie certainly could have been worse.
It’s an okay, popcorn-filler, waste of time
That you’ll barely remember after ten years’ time,
But there’s no semblance at all of the Indy of old,
And the amazing adventures so lovingly told.
This movie’s a cash grab, pure and simple,
Designed for people still growing pimples.
If you loved Raiders, you should stay away.
You won’t get what you want, okay?
Like the last film, this one feels off.
It’s certainly not worth wasting your day off.
I do not recommend this movie at all,
But I’ll give it a passing grade, overall:
A three out of six, no more, no less.
You’ll get more entertainment from a Presidential address.