The Man Who Ate Himself To Death

The Man Who Ate Himself To Death
UK Channel 5
Filmmaker: Wendy Lloyd
Subject: Ricky Naputi

Rating: ******

Ricky Naputi was a motionless man,
Who weighed a good sixty-four stone.
He blamed all his problems on his considerable weight,
Without trying once to atone.

Lazy and selfish, he married a girl
Who had seemed a good match for him then.
On the night of their wedding he lay down on his mat
And never got up again.

Lying back and relaxing, he said, “Bring me food.”
His role as a provider was done.
He had acquired a servant for a very low cost,
And while he was rather quite young.

Shocked and confused, his new maiden bride
Did her best to help him unwind.
She would never know the touch of a man,
But she would know how to wipe his behind.

She attended to him for a great many years,
Shopping and cooking and cleaning,
And Ricky Naputi kept gaining weight,
While on his mat he was leaning.

She worked like a slave, attending to his needs,
Never hearing endearments he said.
She had once signed on for a husband,
And ended up with a child instead.

She bathed him, she fed him, and did everything else,
Not like a wife but his nurse,
And her slovenly husband just kept gaining weight,
And his attitude kept getting worse.

In the American cities all over the land
Where it is rather expensive to live,
The workers had to take food out of their mouths,
So the government could put food in his.

He decided, one day, after taking a nap,
That he wanted to look like Tom Cruise,
And he wondered which way would involve the least work,
The quickest and best way to lose.

“Why, surgery, of course!” he thought to himself,
As he licked another plate clean.
“A wee bit of lipo and I will look great.
I’ll be tall and handsome and lean.”

He couldn’t afford it, but that was okay.
He would tell expert surgeons his story.
And they‘d do it for free, because Ricky was good
At making other folks feel sorry.

But there was one catch that he didn’t foresee:
He would have to lose some weight first.
He was too big to move to the infirmary,
And gorging would just make things worse.

Now this was unfair! This wasn’t his plan!
He straightaway started to cry.
How could anyone want to live in a world
In which he might be required to try?

His good wife was worried, and gave him less food,
So the crybaby started to wail.
She tried to be stern as he laid on the guilt.
She tried to help him but she failed.

“Some wife you are! I’m wasting away.
Would you feed all these greens to a dog?
I need protein and sugar if I’m to work out,
And lasagna if I’m to jog.”

He went and he batted his puppy dog eyes
As he pleaded and begged to be fed.
“If I starve to death while I’m trying to lose weight,
It will be all your fault that I’m dead!”

She finally gave in and stuffed him so full
That he practically burst at the seams.
The doctors came back, and weighed him again.
They were amazed at the results they had seen.

“If we try to move you, you’re going to die.
We can yell. We can preach. We can rant,
But if you don’t shed the pounds, you’re going to die.
Ricky’s instant response was, “I can’t.”

“It’s hard being me. It’s hard losing weight,”
He blubbered, his eyes filled with tears.
“I can change. I can do it for sure next time.
Please come back again in a year.”

So the doctors left and went back to their homes,
Leaving Ricky and Mrs. Naputi alone.
He started calling her names again,
As he lay on the floor all prone.

He berated his wife before she went to the bank
To cash his cheque in lieu of a salary,
For she had been so busy baking him treats,
That she had forgotten the odd piece of celery.

He muttered to himself as he lay on the floor,
Taking the space of five men.
“If I had selected a far better wife,
I would look like Mel Gibson again.”

She came back with some food and he screamed, “Not enough!
I’ll need energy for every limb—
Some pizza, some pasta, some burgers and fries,
And diet Coke to help me slim.”

Worn and tired, she did as he asked,
And the doctors came back and they left.
By now Ricky weighted a good nine-hundred pounds,
And she felt like the victim of theft.

No longer young, her idealism gone,
Her best years had all been spent
Serving this self-serving man on the floor,
For whom all her strength had been spent.

She looked at this slob, the man she once loved,
Who had used her like nobody should.
Without one more word she packed all her bags,
And she finally left him for good.

“There’s no pleasing that woman,” Ricky said to himself.
“That’s fine. I’m not going to screech.”
Then he noticed how far the refrigerator was,
And the TV remote was out of his reach.

“Oops!” were his words, and he tried to move,
But was unable even to roll,
So he came up with a plan, a fail-safe plan,
And gobbled down pure Tylenol.

Hero or moron? You be the judge,
Though personally I’d choose the latter.
This was hardly the greatest story ever told,
Just a fat man who got a lot fatter.

This documentary, which took place in Guam
Was several years in the making.
The people who made it clearly embarked on
A very curious undertaking.

They showcased a man of gigantic proportions,
Whose bad habits led him to danger.
They also explored how his family took it.
‘Twas a stark lesson in human nature.

How shall I rate this? Well, for a start,
When the show was on I was transfixed,
Whether because of the filmmaker’s art,
Or the story itself, I am mixed,

So I’ll give it a five. It kept me alert.
At no time did I want to doze off.
The length was just right, not too short or too long.
In other words, it was enough.

This film is not available
On DVD or streaming.
I recommend Rogue One instead.
It has that Star Wars feeeling.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Theatrical Version)

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