The Star Wars Holiday Special

The Star Wars Holiday Special

(1978)

Directed by Steve Binder, David Acomba

Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Kenny Baker, James Earl Jones, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, Patty Maloney

Rating: ******
              2/6

When Star Wars came out
It was the number one film.
Today I’ll review the second
Star Wars film.

Why begin with
The Empire Strikes Back
When I have yet to give
Star Wars a crack?

I wish to review,
Since you’re misunderstandin’,
The next full-length feature
In the Star Wars canon.

That movie’s not Empire.
Instead, it’s more special,
And known as the Star Wars
Holiday Special.

It was a TV movie
That aired only once
In 1978
On the 11th month.

Many people who watched it
Soon stopped caring,
Though some recorded it
Before it stopped airing.

It was regarded as universally,
Colossally bad,
Then people forgot
The bad time they had,

And the world forgot about it
Altogether,
For at least a decade,
For worse or for better.

But it became bootlegged
And more people saw it,
And the word of mouth
Caused others to watch it.

It combines a simple
Star Wars story
With bizarre and repulsive
Variety TV.

At times fascinatingly awful,
At others all right,
Watching can ruin
Or make your night.

The premise involves
Chewbacca the Wookie
Wanting to visit his family
For some homemade cookies,

A task not too easy
Since the evil Empire
Is chasing Han and Chewie
Through space dust and fire.

To The Wookie home planet,
A place called Kashook,
A planet that’s teaming
With Empire mooks.

His father Itchy,
And his wife Malla,
And his son Lumpy,
A short little fella,

–Related to Chewbacca,
Though they don’t dare admit it–
Wait in the treetops
For Chewbacca to visit.

It takes the whole movie
For them to arrive,
So the story is interrupted
Dozens of times.

We see the Empire
Searching for the Rebels,
Much like a prospector
Sifting through pebbles

When onscreen will come
An unwanted distraction
That might last five minutes
Before it’s extraction.

Lumpy might suddenly
Start watching TV,
Or build a machine,
Or listen to music for free.

The viewer will stare at him
Watching a band,
Or some circus performers,
Or a cartoon with his dad,

And we have to sit there
Until it is done.
One filler completed,
Until we see the next one.

In fact, the short story
Is so filled with padding,
The effect is annoying,
And even quite maddening.

Some of this filler
Has celebrity roles
In the form of comedic
Cameos.

We see Bea Arthur,
From The Golden Girls,
Sing a song about closing
Her bar to the world.

We see Harvey Korman,
The Great Gazoo,
Teaching Chewie’s wife Malla
How to cook a stew.

We see Art Carney,
From The Honeymooners,
Protect Chewie’s family
From the Stormtroopers.

We see Chewie’s father,
Who’s a bit of a jerk,
Shocking our senses
In a scene not safe for work.

All of this fluff
Brings down the enjoyment
And threatens the actors
With unemployment.

We see most of the main cast
From the movie Star Wars
Appear at least once
While the Wookies do their chores.

It’s hardly an hour
And a half worth of fun.
It feels like three hours
Or more when it’s done,

But was it really that bad?
Yes, without question.
It will make you queasy enough
To interfere with digestion,

But it’s also an oddity
In that it contains
Scenes and actors
From the Star Wars train,

Just passing through
To a much better place.
Their next stop is Empire,
Where Luke gets a new face.

The costumes were great,
Like the acting in parts.
They put in an effort,
But its fits and its starts

Drag down the whole story,
An unforgivable crime.
To make Star Wars boring
Is a waste of one’s time.

I’m giving two stars for effort,
If you can believe it,
And you’ll really have to see it
Before you believe it.