Total Recall Remake
Directed by Len Wiseman
Starring Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel
Total Recall from 1990
Is a graphic, brutal film,
That had heart and depth its length and breadth,
A great sci-fi action film.
Naturally in Hollywood, anything good
Gets remade after a while,
And often, though not always, it will end up
As a lackluster, steaming pile.
The original was a Grade A film,
With A-Lister Arnold Schwarzenegger.
This newer remake stars Colin Farrell,
Who hardly compares to Schwarzenegger.
Colin plays an ordinary man,
Who lives on Earth with his wife.
One day he decides to buy memories,
False ones to spice up his life.
His world suddenly turns upside down,
And killers attempt to slay him.
Luckily, he possesses talents and skills
To protect himself from the mayhem.
He was an undercover agent all this time,
Able to survive close pursuit,
Assassinations, and some very close calls,
By villains who don’t know how to shoot.
It’s unfortunate, then, that Mr. Farrell can’t act,
At least not in this film in this case,
For he looks the same in every shot,
With the exact same look on his face.
When the lead actor’s unable to make us believe,
Then what is this film but a joke?
Though a lot of cash was thrown at the screen,
All the effort just goes up in smoke.
In contrast, when Arnie gets mad we know that he’s mad.
When he’s scared, we see that, too.
We know when he’s happy and thinking,
And this all makes his actions more true.
This remake script is nowhere as good,
And the direction’s a washout as well.
The story onscreen is told badly,
And it’s rated PG-13 as well.
PG-13, with the first film a hard R?
It’s a move just designed to sell tickets.
There’s no bloodshed or gore in this remake.
It’s tamer than a film from Lemony Snicket’s.
A watered-down story with a watered-down cast,
With an unambitious, lackluster director,
Is no substitute for the real thing,
With Paul Verhoeven as the director.
This movie’s a cash grab, simple and plain,
A mixed bag with very few tricks
I’ve high praise for the original,
But this one gets a two out of six.